SEPARATION PAINS AND KIDS

Children's reactions to their parents' separation vary. Your
children may be angry, sad, depressed, ashamed, overwhelmed,
guilty, and/or stressed. Maybe he or she will react with
complete silence or just continue as if nothing has happened.
All of these reactions are normal. However, if your children's
reactions are severe or long-lasting it might be important to
think about seeking professional help.

How children react and cope with the separation depend on
numerous factors, including their age and developmental
stage, the level of conflict between their parents, or the
way parents talk to them about what's happening and assisting
them to cope with the changes. It also depends on their
personality and temperament. Maybe they will show different
reactions at different times while they process things and
get used to the new situation.

Though separation may be a tough time for everyone involved,
it doesn't have to have long-term negative effects upon your
children. With your understanding and assistance your children
can learn how to cope with this life transition and regain
a sense of well-being.
he discomfort of parents talking to children about their
upcoming divorce is often exaggerated by worries about how
the children will react. Parents frequently worry that their
children will not be able to handle the news, will fall
apart, will be sad or angry forever, or worse, will hate
the parents for life. While children certainly do not
generally take kindly to hearing that their parents are
splitting up, they initially do respond in fairly typical
ways that are in accord with their developmental stages.

Younger children (under the age of 5 or so) have diverse
reactions to challenging information. Upon first hearing
the news, some may cry briefly and then act as if they
didn't hear it. Some may change the subject
(a young child's typical way of defending against thoughts
and feelings that are overwhelming). Some may show no
emotion at all, and, after hearing the news, may just
ask if he/she can go play. Never assume that the absence
of an initial upset means that the child is fine with the
divorce. A child's response to this event will always
unfold in time.

Preschool and kindergarten-age children typically process
difficult information through their play. When faced with
their parents' separation and divorce, they may engage in
play that involves themes of dolls/animals/ trucks coming
and going, or leaving on trips, or yelling at and fighting
with one another. In playing out all the parts (E.g. the
leaver and the one left; or, the yeller and the one yelled at),
they develop a sense of control and mastery over their
feelings that arise from the separation and divorce. In
contrast, adults process similar difficult feelings by
thinking through, over and over, the circumstances that
elicit these feelings, and also by talking through these
feelings with their friends, family, and therapists.